Most people who are detached from reality believe that love should be like the movies they see in the theaters, series they watch on TV, and love stories they read in novels. They expect relationships to be these super-intense, totally amazing, emotionally charged, and always be positive connections; that no matter what, should always work out the way they expect them to. They also believe that if someone loves them, that their lover will change their entire life for them, and that things will always work out because the fate will give them the “happy ending” that all “real” love stories get.
Why does Hollywood and other media constantly push such fantasies in their entertainment? Because that’s what sells. Suppose Hollywood made a love movie that was “normal,” where the most heroic thing your lover did was fill up the gas tank without you asking, do you think these movies sell? Of course not; they would be quite boring and not as emotionally stimulating. It’s not every day that people struggle against insane odds and persevere through any challenge in the name of love, but that is precisely what Hollywood sells and it’s totally unrealistic. Moreover, does anyone really like movies with unhappy endings? Of course not. Could you imagine if most love stories ended unhappily, as many do in real life? You wouldn’t even bother watching love movies at all since most of us enjoy happy endings since that’s what we subconsciously want in our own lives.
Those buy into the whole Hollywood-type love narrative are the ones who fall victim to those up-and-down roller coaster relationships. They are looking to live up to the impossible standards of fictional stories and try to apply them to real life. The standards that these Hollywood fantasies create are definitely not the best way to determine whether you have a real relationship or not. People who strive for such standards become addicted to the idea of what could be, rather than what actually is; living a fantasy with the “love of their life,” a savior who is going to take away all their pain and make them happy forever; rather than living in reality with someone they love and navigating through their lives together.
The reality is that a normal, functional and healthy relationship is most of the time very stable; both people are neither always happy nor always sad. Both people are most of the time content and support each other as a team; living day by day in the embrace of someone they can trust, cherish, talk to, and experience a connection with longevity. They don’t need the ups-and-downs of an insane and intense relationship to keep things going; nor do they need fights because, apparently, “they are healthy” to have. These relationships are full of love, laughter, humor, complete honesty and openness. The fights and other rough times come once in a blue moon, and when they do, they are resolved quickly and maturely rather than allowing them to drag on.
The fact is simple, healthy relationships just work: They flow naturally, they endure, and they aren’t trying to live up to any standards created by someone else. Their foundations are solid because they were built together by solid people; each one contributing positively to its growth and maintenance.
Healthy relationships consist of two people who are happy and secure with themselves and share their happiness with each other; whereas, needy relationships consist of one or both partners leeching off the other for their emotional stability because they are insecure and need someone else to feel fulfilled. These relationships are doomed to begin with because those who try to find happiness in others will fail to do so. No one in a real relationship “needs” the other person to live, be happy, or move forward with their lives, but they do want to share their stability and positive emotions with a companion.
Real relationships are not about ownership of another human being, which is based on insecurity and egotism, nor are they about winning another person over; they are simply about people connecting and sharing who they really are with each other. If you are running around trying to impress someone or convince someone to love you, as if you were a salesman, then what you are working for is a job application for someone who is just as emotionally unstable as you.
When real people meet, both show their cards and the chips fall where they may. If you have to “prove” yourself worthy or put someone else on a pedestal to “win” them over, you have already failed. Granted, there is a courtship process that must be played in human social interactions, but in this case it is played with maturity and sincerity; there are no childish ego-games to be played, no power-struggles, no trying to dominate the other to make them “worship” you because you need to feel loved. Real relationships are all about being real from the start and things working out because they are real from the start: How else can you build a real relationship if your entire base was built on lies?
In healthy relationships, each person is their own master and acknowledges that the other has their needs and desires which can change over time. Therefore, team work and flexibility is key; not obduracy. If you are running around asking permission to do things you love to do or you fear your significant other won’t accept who you are, then you are not in a healthy relationship; you are in a slave-master bond.
Unconditional love is the fundamental bond for real relationships; not egotistical conditional love that is at the mercy of external situations and outcomes. Real connections are built between people who are actually being who are in the now; not what they may become or what they were, not what they will have or what they had, and certainly not what someone else wishes them to be.
If you believe that you won’t find true love unless you are saved by the man/woman of your dreams, who is supposed to fulfill an exact criteria that can never change, and you have to always feel like one million dollars every second you are with them, then you have an extremely rude awakening coming you way. Your standards are so impossible and unrealistic, that you will not possibly find them in this reality.
Real relationships are made up of real people; not characters one dreams up in their mind and play out in a fantasy world. Things will get tough, things may get even worse, but if you have someone that truly loves you unconditionally, together you will both overcome any obstacle and prevail. So stop looking for love out there and start realizing that love starts within. Be real and share that love you have for yourself with others around you, and one day you may run into someone who is doing exactly the same as you and you will connect so you can share that love with each other.